Disillusionment of Awakening

Who Do You Trust

Welcome and Hello to all the soul searchers I find as I scroll through this platform and many others. As it has just turned 4:44pm I am still one of those people that wonder the spirit and science behind seeing the same repeating numbers around me.

if you are just joining me on this platform I would like to inform you I am one of the millions of people around the world waking up to themselves.

Whether you describe it as a “spiritual emergency” or “spiritual awakening” just know I am one of those who have felt that blissful state of awakening in my heart space followed by the volatile come down of what St John on the cross would say is a “dark night of the soul”

( The phrase “dark night of the soul” comes from a poem by St. John of the Cross (1542-1591), a Spanish Carmelite monk and mystic, whose Noche obscura del alma is translated “The Dark Night of the Soul.”)

Over 5 years of studying myself and the mystical content surrounding an awakening I have found myself disillusioned by many things I have seen in the community of spiritualists.

I say this to bring awareness to the new people waking up and to confess my own curious findings as I dabbled in the realm of many modalities.

I am a self study type person so venturing out to every practitioner or self proclaimed healer wasn’t in the budget in the beginning but I will confess I was enamored by all the stories of awakeners before me and the people who proclaim to be here to serve humanity.

I believe there is a reason that most “normal” people stay away from anyone that says they heal people or are a spiritualist. I can admit had I not had my own direct experience with the divine all those years ago I would be just as skeptical and maybe judgmental as those who perceive those people as delusional in their healing practices.

A dear friend one time sent me the perfect text saying “ did you just bridge spirit and science for me?” Over me sending him a copy of Gene Keys to help him along integrating his shadowy side with his lighter side.

That text message rolled so many of my curiosities into a once dear dream that is put on the shelf for now. A podcast where I and a former friend dove deep into comparative research trying to provide content bridging spirit and science as far back as our minds could expand to research.

Here I sit today with these same curiosities after hosting two podcasts, interviewing hundreds of aired and unaired content.

I have a bad habit of believing that turning the cheek is synonymous with not telling on bad behavior I’ve witnessed of others.

I have this naive child like belief that it is not my job to call the misguided choices of others out into the airways, pointing my finger at them and screaming “LIAR! FRAUD! “ as if my judgement or opinion from my human perspective is coming from a good place when my true intention is to expose the injustice I have witnessed with my freshly awakened child like eyes.

As my old self still pulls on me to put my cape on and share with others to keep them “safe” ultimately I release all responsibility of needing to inform constantly about my experiences and what I’ve experienced from others.

To contradict myself in the same story I do have stories to share with you. I do hope that the eyes that read this page feel the unconditional love that I put into this article to express my distaste for what is happening in the profitable world of awakening.

Awakening can come upon any of us in a number of ways. It’s not always a spiritually expansive chakra exploding, plant medicine, mind melting experience.

Maybe the death of a loved one triggered you into knowing there is more with other worldly contact after they pass.

( MGK himself received a phone call from his father after his passing and thanks to his Twin Flame Megan Fox he has opened his healing world to spiritual and psychological help)

It could be as easy as getting a health diagnosis out of nowhere that leads you to doing your own research on the food and water you’ve been ingesting for decades that later reveals to you it’s f****** POISON!

That is what I call a slow boil of an awakening. You are waking up to the illusion that the companies your grandparents trusted to produce products with integrity is just a well marketed lie raking in billions of dollars with a vile and callous disregard for how their product effects the lives of their consumer.

Maybe you’ve stumbled across how much money Bank of America and other slimy financial institutions take in billions off of “maintenance fees” and “overdraft fees” from everyday individuals just trying to keep a roof over their head.

You could be a normal human with a best friend that brings you a bag of mushrooms and tells you it will expand your mind and help you see clearer in your daily life. Only to find when you take the mushrooms you are ill prepared for what you see and try to comprehend from the visions that come into sight during such an extended psychedelic experience.

Or lastly like my favorite research topic based on my personal experience you can have a spontaneous kundalini awakening after surrendering yourself over to the creator of everything that exists.

There are many ways to wipe the cobwebs others have put over your eyes but what do you do when you find yourself waking up and scared?

Who do you tell this to without feeling like someone will put you in a psych ward far down in the basement and throw away the key?

I found myself wanting to be an informant of my experiences. I put myself on the front line to test these energy healing modalities and checking if those are spirit guides in my meditations or demons leaking into my auric field pretending to be of service to humanity.

Believe it or not the visions and visitors I’ve experienced not only my whole life but on a higher level after my awakening were not the negative culprits I write to you today about.

It is in fact the misguided desire filled practitioners I have met over time that aligned me back with my favorite viewing of human behavior.

I name these people the anti - idols of my life. They’ve shown up many times in different bodies with a clear sign on their head

“ observe me so you know not what to do”

If you find yourself sitting in a meditation just dazzled by the wisdom of the practitioner’s knowledge keep in mind, they borrowed the wisdom their spouting at you from an array of spiritual teachings we all find ourselves reading to find a deeper meaning to this life.

Later you might find out that the practitioners acting as an incarnated Buddha is in fact a mask, they present to you, so you’ll give them your money and be their audience to stroke their ego. They might say something like

“I was trained by ascended masters for this time of awakening in humanity and now I am here to serve you”

But alas as soon as the class closes, and the money is counted, she is gossiping of others and judging better than judgement day itself. Maybe her misaligned belief in her limited understand of Tantra has led her to be so unsafe as well.

It can leave an observer of these practices in a state of confusion. On one hand you don’t want to find yourself judging others so harshly for their two-faced lifestyle nor believe that to work in this field that they are as perfect as Jesus Christ himself.

So, you continue to study and move in silence without revealing what you were supposed to see, that humans no matter how full of wisdom and good intentions they present, that they in fact have switched their egoic desires to spiritual desires. I can say this feels like a part of the process in disillusionment of the ego if you study any of Carl Jung’s research so alas I shall keep my mouth shut and meditate at home.

Moving onto wanting to understand energy from a spiritual perspective you move onto interviewing and observing practitioners that claim so many forms of reiki your head spins at the titles of these “miraculous modalities.”

As you access these “sacred spaces” you with good intention and an eager throat chakra to share your truth with others , find yourself with people once again copying “The Four Agreements” as their Bible but alas when the class is over their true intentions arise.

I feel so blessed and honored to see the devil’s advocate rear its dualistic head in this space once again.

I’ve seen practitioners advise people to quit their jobs because it doesn’t align with their root chakra desires, but please don’t forget to pay the piper hundreds of dollars for their classes and services before you quit the job that keeps a roof over your head.

I have seen practitioners advise others if you are not being taken care of at home by your partner it is okay to cheat on them for your desires are true to your heart?

I can understand wanting to leave a partner after growing so much but please do it the right way don’t believe cheating and spiritual ascension can go into the same category.

Insert big eyes and jaws dropping,

I’ve seen the trauma that unfolds in these crystal caved rooms where people bring their deepest shame and haunting traumas to a table for someone to not only validate their pain but also start the painstaking process of “psychic surgery!” What a sight to be seen.

I should say before I continue with my whistleblowing that I have a true belief in all the modalities I have seen and experienced, however the filthy desires hiding behind the curtain of the charismatic guru spouting non sense it doing more harm than good.

I believe these stories should be told over and over so you can keep your discernment on high alert as you enter the realm of alternative healing.

There is a dark side to this movement and it is the money and desire oozing out of the back of these stages we put these people on.

I spent years helping others with their businesses because I believed they were helping people and had the same awakening experience I did.

Again how naive of me.

As I sat at a rotating holistic fair learning all the different crystals and tools to help move the chi through the body better, I also had the privilege of hearing the water cooler talk of each person stepping off the stage.

The practitioner with so many chronic diseases she shoved herself full of pills and soda claiming my guides will help clear this poison out of me. She loved to teach but never really did any of the work she was teaching others to do.

Can you imagine if Jesus had acted this way?

Why didn’t I run for the hills you ask?

I’m observing an anti-idol in real time. How could I stop the film right here when they can teach me so much of what not to be as I navigate my own healing journey.

They say new levels , new devils don’t they?

I can’t claim all innocence I was so curious of all this alternative knowledge I had no choice but to dive in , question and compare research.

I brought it back to myself and kicked out what wasn’t for me. But decided as a love for the naive and sensitive spirits to open this can of worms even if it makes me look like a silly child straying from the path.

If you’ve taken on the mission of knowing yourself, you will eventually find yourself around those who have awakened before you portraying, they are tapped into unconditional love while also sharing your most intimate healing sessions with the receptionist and other employees when you leave.

Is spiritual HIPPA not a thing? Did this person forget the word integrity when the divine crawled into their ass?

I’ll never know.

Again, I am writing what I’ve observed from the polluted world of spiritual healers. I am not saying everyone who claims these practices as their purpose in life is bad!

Oh no I have plenty of wonderful souls I’ve found along the way that are truly tapped into the higher realms and act accordingly.

But that article will be written after I get these loony toons off my chest. Keeping the peace and putting these red flags in my pocket has not sat well with me.

For me to even judge these people is silly to me since I am the furthest from a perfect person.

I can say during the last 5 years of navigating my understanding of these experiences I have purged the darkest parts of me in-front of these people.

So even speaking out about my encounters with these folks could turn me into the villain in their story, I could not care less what they say at the end of the day. I’m the one who started a podcast and confessed my own short comings and sent it out to the world.

In fact someone in Russia yesterday just heard the episode where I talked to a dead person who wouldn’t leave me alone in a meditation. So I’m sure whatever they say I have already put it out into the airwaves for the other humans of this world to observe and consume as they see fit.

Onward we go to the next level of what the hell do you think you are doing …

I was studying energy with a classroom of lovely souls when my bullshit detector went off with some of the knowledge they were trying to spread as the absolute truth. They tried to have a psychologist come in to verify the spirit hiding in the science and I have to be honest I just couldn’t pick up what they were throwing down. They were once again a behind the scenes shit show and putting on very colorful masks for the public.

I found my disillusionment and my Intuition working side by side as I continued my interview process with a tarot reader. She was such a sweet girl who enjoyed the history of tarot and the positive outlook you can give others by encouraging them to go within for their answers.

As we start the interview process, she stops the recording to tell me

“I know being a safe space isn’t just a fancy title for a podcast for you it means something so deep for you that I can trust you with what I’ve seen and experienced. However I will warm you what I am about to tell you is going to shock you and I’m scared you won’t believe me.”

My intuition came into view and told me before she could that the little spidy senses about the crooked energy teachers was about to be confirmed.

She took me down a path of story telling winding through tales of spiritual narcissism at play with a direct intent to induce spiritual psychosis to obtain control of her energy and allegedly her finances. She continued to reveal to me the practices of dark magic going on after hours where they were dabbling in the darkest symbols known to man.

Known to man as in don’t fucking do that ever duh you dumbass, anyways back to this crazy story.

I was taken back by her stories and truly feared for the people still lodged in that building with the ignorance that their psyche and soul was safe.

She continued to tell the story of them stealing money from reputable businesses in the building to the point it went to court and they were found out to be guilty on all charges!

Thousands of dollars taken from hard working individuals just to fund their delusional true agenda of starting a “spiritual commune” where they would be at the forefront of spirituality and Science finally coming into union.

If you had eyes to see and ears to hear you would also know the leader’s partnership was soaked in drug and alcohol abuse along with the richest form of gas lighting and emotional abuse one has ever seen in the “ we love everybody community!”

I admit to smoking a vape pen or two while I was observing these places to keep my face from exposing what I was really thinking but I never caught myself drinking their koolaid which is proble why I was an easy target to be demonized when I decided to speak up and call out the shamed teachers.

I spoke my peace and left to a peaceful spot on the Arkansas river with a dear angelic friend. We shared our observations of their true nature and felt true comfort sharing what we had seen all along.

After interviewing and studying personally with multiple practitioners of various alternative modalities I found that one practitioner out of the handful I personally worked with had the right idea and integrity with her work.

Her integrity was so high that she would take herself out of spaces consistently to protect her healing journey and others from her current state. Now that is a state of awareness I can respect and feel safe with. I am still in contact with this person to this day. All the others have been cast out of my space and only brought up for the purpose of this article.

My logical mind wants to me kick out anymore research on these topics after meeting so many questionable people yet i sit here today with a profound belief that these ancient teachings hold a lot of truth for us yet at the same time we are allowing those who by pass their own work to get certified in a weekend without truly understanding anything that their dealing with in the unseen realms.

I don’t believe I’ll ever meet a practitioner who is as aligned as biblical text state Jesus was in his time on Earth but I still hold the hippy dippy space in my heart that there are people out there willing to dig the trenches of their own bullshit out before running off to save another.

I believe thanks to my grounded studies of the visible light spectrum that there is so many things flying around us at all times of the day if we were to see it all at once our fragile human minds would melt into a puddle.

In my curious findings I have found beautiful ways to know myself deeper than I ever thought I could achieve in this life. I have felt radical self forgiveness and self love on a level I thought was only written in fiction novels.

It really does break my heart to see so many people in such vulnerable states believing people like this are actually helping them when in reality it could be setting them up for some slippery socks or years of therapy that still may never help them recover.

Two things I have come to observe that links all of humanity is we are all linked by an undeniable, indescribable frequency of love. On the other side of the scale we all feel something missing deeply inside all of us that equate to our internal loneliness showing itself in real ways in the world.

After my ancient research, my comparative biblical research and so many books I could never jot them down here, I find a peace come over my heart-space that I will never truly know no matter how much research I do.

I do find myself since a young child loving the teachings of Jesus Christ. My curiosities of his missing years and the true evidence of a grand rising in the Divine Feminine Collective have left me with my own beliefs that would baffle an everyday Christian.

I find whatever you believe in it should be of love. I find that love should not have strings. And I find myself closer to God source energy in solitude then I ever have out in the world.

When it comes to an awakening journey, for me it is about shedding the false layers of yourself. Taking time to conceptually understand things then having the courage to experience what the mind tells you you already understand.

I am no guru

self proclaiming I am a healer has never fit into my identity

But being a human experiencing this crazy existence of our souls wrapped in meat suits flying through space and documenting it is alright with me.

If this article finds you I hope you’ve found a take away that adds something positive to your life.

In the end I mean no harm I just write while I still have time left to do it.

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